Calvin Quotes 1              Calvin Quotes  2                  Other Quotes                  Dialogues




Calvin :

Another genius foiled by an incapable assistant.
I've got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts.
Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you're just a reflection of him?
Ever notice how tense grownups get when they're recreating?
You can present the material, but you can't make me care.
From now on, I'll connect the dots my own way.
My bills always die in subcommittee.
Nice underpants.
He's so lazy and selfish.
One more nostalgic part of childhood goes THBPPTH.
I love the culture of victimhood.
Nothing I do is my fault.
I like to verb words.
I should be doing my homework now.
I liked things better when I didn't understand them.
Is it a right to remain ignorant?
Quit resisting, you!
I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas.
It is man's indomitable nature to scare himself silly for no good reason!
The problem with people is that they don't look at the big picture. Eventually, we're each going to die, our species will go extinct, the sun will explode, and the universe will collapse. Existence isn't only temporary, it's pointless! We're all doomed, and worse, nothing matters!
Like delicate lace, so the threads intertwine,
oh, gossamer web of wond'rous design!
Such beauty and grace wild nature produces...
[disgusted] Ughh, look at that spider suck out that bug's juices!
“The days are getting colder. Yes. Bugs are dying by the truckload! Ha ha ha! Good riddance to ‘em all! … I like fall.” - Calvin and Hobbes
"Why isn't my life like a situation comedy? Why don't I have a bunch of friends with nothing better to do but drop by and instigate wacky adventures? Why aren't my conversations peppered with spontaneous witticisms? Why don't my friends demonstrate heartfelt concern for my well being when I have problems? ...I gotta get my life some writers."
I like maxims that don’t encourage behavior modification.
I understand my tests are popular reading in the teachers’ lounge.
I’m learning real skills that I can apply throughout the rest of my life … Procrastinating and rationalizing.
A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day.
Childhood is short, maturity is forever.
 “Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.”  -The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes
I wanted to be a neo-deconstructivist but Mom wouldn't let me
If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again.
I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information .
I'm yet another resource-consuming kid in an overpopulated planet, raised to an alarming extent by Hollywood and Madison Avenue, poised with my cynical and alienated peers to take over the world when you're old and weak.
It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.
It's hard to conceal a water balloon
Its no use! Everybody gets good enemies except me.
Leave it to a girl to take the fun out of sex discrimination.
Nothing spoils fun like finding out it builds character.
Some people are pragmatists, taking things as they come and making the best of the choices available. Some people are idealists, standing for principle and refusing to compromise. And some people just act on any whim that enters their heads. I pragmatically turn my whims into principles.
Susie if you want to see your doll again, leave $100 in this envelope by the tree out front. Do not call the police you CANNOT trace us, you CANNOT find us. Sincerely, Calvin
There's an inverse relationship between how good something is for you, and how much fun it is.
There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.
True friends are hard to come by ... I need more money.
When birds burp, it must taste like bugs.
Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous?
You know how Einstein got bad grades as a kid? Well, mine are even worse!
You know how people are. They only recognize greatness when some authority confirms it.
"Pretty convenient how every time I build character, Dad saves a couple hundred dollars."
"These are interesting times. We don't trust the government, we don't trust the legal system, we don't trust the media, and we don't trust each other! We've undermined all authority, and with it, the basis for replacing it! It's like a six-year-old's dream come true!"
"Well, it just seemed wrong to cheat on an ethics test."
"When you get something, it's new and exciting. When you have something, you take it for granted and it's boring."
Aww mom, you act like I'm not even wearing a bungie cord!
“Aaugh! It’s a half-hour later than it was half an hour ago! Run! Run!”
“Today for show and tell I’ve brought a tiny marvel of nature: a single snowflake. I think we might all learn a lesson from how this utterly unique and exquisite crystal… ..turns into an ordinary boring molecule of water just like every other one when you bring it in the classroom. And now. While the analogy sinks in. I’ll be leaving you drips and going outside.”
“I’d hate to have a kid like me!”
“’tis the season to advertise.”
“What on earth am I doing inside on this beautiful day?! This is the only life I’ve got to live!!
“People don’t realize what a burden it is being a genius like me. It’s not easy having a mind that operates on a higher plane than everyone else! People just refuse to see that I’m the crux of all history, a boy of destiny.”
As you can see, I have memorized this utterly useless piece of information long enough to pass a test question. I now intend to forget it forever. You've taught me nothing except how to cynically manipulate the system. Congratulations.
“I want to be introduced as “Calvin, boy of destiny.” But you have to say it right, pause a little after “boy,” and say “Destiny” a bit slower and deeper for emphasis. Say it, “Boy….. Of Dessstiny,” Like that!”
“Oh, great altar of passive entertainment, bestow upon me thy discordant images at such speed as to render linear thought impossible!”
“People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.” -The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes
“The strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what I can’t, and the incapacity to tell the difference.” - The Days are Just Packed
“Somewhere in communist Russia I’ll bet there’s a little boy who has never known anything but CENSORSHIP and OPPRESSION. But maybe he’s heard about AMERICA, and he dreams of living in this land of FREEDOM and OPPORTUNITY! Someday, I’d like to meet that little boy… AND TELL HIM THE AWFUL TRUTH ABOUT THIS PLACE!!”
“But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He’s one of the _old_ gods! He demands sacrifice!” The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes
“For a girl, she’s remarkably perceptive.”
“It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what’s cool.” - Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons
“Hello Dad! It is now three in the morning. Do you know where I am?” - The Essential Calvin and Hobbes
I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them. I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog! - Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat
“The secret to happiness is short-term, stupid self-interest!” - The Days are Just Packed
"Are you crazy? This is a stupid, boring, time-wasting forced assignment! This isn't fun!"
"Are you suggesting that this appliance didn't aggravate me with malice aforethought?"
"Did you know that's one of the ten warning signs of hopeless dweebism?"
"Do the words 'complete pandemonium' strike terror in your heart?"
"Get out the time-fracture wickets, Hobbes! We're gonna play Calvinball!"
"I can't help but wonder what kind of desperate straits would drive a man to invent this thing."
"I say, when life gives you a lemon, wing it right back and add some lemons of your own!"
Miss Wormwood, I protest this "C" grade! That's saying I only did an "average" job! I got 75% of the answers correct, and in today's society, doing something 75% right is outstanding! If government and industry were 75% competent, we'd be ecstatic! I won't stand for this artificial standard of performance! I demand an "A" for this kind of work! I think it's really gross how she drinks Maalox straight from the bottle.
"Since September it's just gotten colder and colder. There's less daylight now, I've noticed too. This can only mean one thing - the sun is going out. In a few more months the Earth will be a dark and lifeless ball of ice. Dad says the sun isnt going out. He says its colder because the earth's orbit is taking us farther from the sun. He says winter will be here soon. JIsn't it sad how some people's grip on their lives is so precarious that they'll embrace any preposterous delusion rather than face an occasional bleak truth?" - Calvin, about to become aware of the concept of winter...
“County library? Reference desk, please. Hello? Yes, I need a word definition. Well, that's the problem. I don't know how to spell it and I'm not allowed to say it. Could you just rattle off all the swear words you know and I'll stop you when...Hello?”
“Wow, look at the grass stains on my skin. I say, if you knees aren’t green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.”
I think life should be more like tv. I think all of life's problems ought to be solved in 30 minutes with simple homilies, don't you? I think weight and oral hygiene ought to be our biggest concerns. I think we should all have powerful, high-paying jobs, and everyone should drive fancy sports cars. All our desires should be instantly gratified. Women should always wear tight clothes, and men should carry powerful handguns. Life overall should be more glamorous, thrill-packed, and filled with applause, don't you think?
Dear Santa. Why is your operation located at the North Pole? I’m guessing cheap elf labour, lower environmental standards, and tax breaks. Is this really the example you want to set for us impressionable kids? …My plan is to put him on the defensive before he considers how good I’ve been.
Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer conglomerates. Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously? It's a beautiful world all right.
I'm bored.
Let's ask it which of us is smarter.
“My cigarette smoke mixed with the smoke of my .38. If business was as good as my aim, I’d be on Easy Street. Instead, I’ve got an office on 49th Street and a nasty relationship with a string of collection agents.Yeah, that’s me, Tracer Bullet. I’ve got eight slugs in me. One’s lead, and the rest are bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I’m a private eye.Suddenly my door swung open, and in walked trouble. Brunette, as usual.”
 “This morning I had a wonderful dream. By holding my arms out stiff and pushing down hard, I found I could suspend myself a few feet above ground. I flapped harder, and soon I was soaring effortlessly over the trees and telephone poles! I could fly! I folded my arms back and zoomed low over the neighborhood. Everyone was amazed, and they ran along under me as I shot by. Then I rocketed up so fast that my eyes watered from the wind. I laughed and laughed, making huge loops in the sky! … That’s when Mom woke me up and said I was going to miss the bus if I didn’t get my bottom out of bed; 20 minutes later, here I am, standing in the cold rain, waiting to go to school, and I just remembered I forgot my lunch. Tuesdays don’t start much worse than this.” - The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes
 “Why should I have to WORK for everything?! It’s like saying I don’t deserve it!” - There’s Treasure Everywhere

 “Some diabolical fiend threatens to establish a totalitarian system of rule! Only Stupendous Man can save the day!…Aha! Just as I suspected! My evil arch-nemesis, Mom-Lady!”

Calvin: "Other kids' games are all such a bore! They gotta have rules and they gotta keep score!  Calvinball is better by far! It's never the same! It's always bizarre! You don't need a team or a referee! You know that it's great cause it's named after me!"
Calvin Quotes 1        Calvin Quotes  2        Other Quotes        Dialogues

Images and text are Copyright of Bill Watterson










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