Calvin :
Another genius foiled by
an incapable assistant.
I've got to start
listening to those quiet, nagging doubts.
Did you ever wonder if the
person in the puddle is real, and you're just a reflection of him?
Ever notice how tense
grownups get when they're recreating?
You can present the
material, but you can't make me care.
From now on, I'll connect
the dots my own way.
My bills always die in
subcommittee.
Nice underpants.
He's so lazy and selfish.
One more nostalgic part of
childhood goes THBPPTH.
I love the culture of
victimhood.
Nothing I do is my fault.
I like to verb words.
I should be doing my
homework now.
I liked things better when
I didn't understand them.
Is it a right to remain
ignorant?
Quit resisting, you!
I realized that the
purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas.
It is man's indomitable
nature to scare himself silly for no good reason!
The problem with people is that they don't look at
the big picture. Eventually, we're each going to die, our species will go
extinct, the sun will explode, and the universe will collapse. Existence
isn't only temporary, it's pointless! We're all doomed, and worse, nothing
matters!
Like delicate lace, so the threads intertwine,
oh, gossamer web of wond'rous design!
Such beauty and grace wild nature produces...
[disgusted] Ughh, look at that spider suck
out that bug's juices!
“The days are getting
colder. Yes. Bugs are dying by the truckload! Ha ha
ha! Good riddance to ‘em
all! … I like fall.” - Calvin and Hobbes
"Why isn't my life
like a situation comedy? Why don't I have a bunch of friends with nothing
better to do but drop by and instigate wacky adventures? Why aren't my
conversations peppered with spontaneous witticisms? Why don't my friends
demonstrate heartfelt concern for my well being when I have problems? ...I gotta get my life some writers."
I like maxims that don’t
encourage behavior modification.
I understand my tests are
popular reading in the teachers’ lounge.
I’m learning real skills
that I can apply throughout the rest of my life … Procrastinating and
rationalizing.
A little rudeness and
disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add
drama to an otherwise dull day.
Childhood is short,
maturity is forever.
“Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.” -The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes
I wanted to be a neo-deconstructivist but Mom wouldn't let me
If you do the job badly
enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again.
I'm not dumb. I just have
a command of thoroughly useless information .
I'm yet another
resource-consuming kid in an overpopulated planet, raised to an alarming
extent by Hollywood and Madison Avenue, poised with my cynical and alienated
peers to take over the world when you're old and weak.
It's hard to be religious
when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.
It's hard to conceal a
water balloon
Its
no use! Everybody gets good enemies except me.
Leave it to a girl to take
the fun out of sex discrimination.
Nothing spoils fun like
finding out it builds character.
Some people are
pragmatists, taking things as they come and making the best of the choices
available. Some people are idealists, standing for principle and refusing to
compromise. And some people just act on any whim that enters their heads. I
pragmatically turn my whims into principles.
Susie if you want to see
your doll again, leave $100 in this envelope by the
tree out front. Do not call the police you CANNOT trace us, you CANNOT find
us. Sincerely, Calvin
There's an inverse
relationship between how good something is for you, and how much fun it is.
There's never enough time
to do all the nothing you want.
True friends are hard to
come by ... I need more money.
When birds burp, it must
taste like bugs.
Why waste time learning,
when ignorance is instantaneous?
You know how Einstein got
bad grades as a kid? Well, mine are even worse!
You know how people are. They only recognize greatness when some authority confirms it.
"Pretty convenient
how every time I build character, Dad saves a couple hundred dollars."
"These are
interesting times. We don't trust the government, we don't trust the legal
system, we don't trust the media, and we don't trust each other! We've
undermined all authority, and with it, the basis for replacing it! It's like
a six-year-old's dream come true!"
"Well, it just seemed
wrong to cheat on an ethics test."
"When you get
something, it's new and exciting. When you have something, you take it for
granted and it's boring."
Aww mom, you act like I'm not even wearing a bungie cord!
“Aaugh!
It’s a half-hour later than it was half an hour ago! Run! Run!”
“Today for show and tell
I’ve brought a tiny marvel of nature: a single snowflake. I think we might all
learn a lesson from how this utterly unique and exquisite crystal… ..turns into an ordinary boring molecule of water just
like every other one when you bring it in the classroom. And now. While the
analogy sinks in. I’ll be leaving you drips and going outside.”
“I’d hate to have a kid
like me!”
“’tis the season to
advertise.”
“What on earth am I doing
inside on this beautiful day?! This is the only life I’ve got to live!!
“People don’t realize what
a burden it is being a genius like me. It’s not easy having a mind that
operates on a higher plane than everyone else! People just refuse to see that
I’m the crux of all history, a boy of destiny.”
As you can see, I have
memorized this utterly useless piece of information long enough to pass a
test question. I now intend to forget it forever. You've taught me nothing
except how to cynically manipulate the system. Congratulations.
“I want to be introduced
as “Calvin, boy of destiny.” But you have to say it right, pause a little
after “boy,” and say “Destiny” a bit slower and deeper for emphasis. Say it,
“Boy….. Of Dessstiny,” Like that!”
“Oh, great altar of passive entertainment, bestow upon me thy discordant images at such speed as to render linear thought impossible!”
“People think it must be
fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up
with all the idiots in the world.” -The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes
“The strength to change
what I can, the inability to accept what I can’t, and the incapacity to tell
the difference.” - The Days are Just Packed
“Somewhere in communist
Russia I’ll bet there’s a little boy who has never known anything but
CENSORSHIP and OPPRESSION. But maybe he’s heard about AMERICA, and he dreams
of living in this land of FREEDOM and OPPORTUNITY! Someday, I’d like to meet
that little boy… AND TELL HIM THE AWFUL TRUTH ABOUT THIS PLACE!!”
“But Calvin is no kind and
loving god! He’s one of the _old_ gods! He demands sacrifice!” The
Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes
“For a girl, she’s
remarkably perceptive.”
“It seems like once people
grow up, they have no idea what’s cool.” - Attack of
the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons
“Hello Dad! It is now
three in the morning. Do you know where I am?” - The Essential Calvin and
Hobbes
I used to hate writing
assignments, but now I enjoy them. I realized that the purpose of writing is
to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a
little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog! -
Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat
“The secret to happiness
is short-term, stupid self-interest!” - The Days are Just Packed
"Are you crazy? This
is a stupid, boring, time-wasting forced assignment! This isn't fun!"
"Are you suggesting
that this appliance didn't aggravate me with malice aforethought?"
"Did you know that's
one of the ten warning signs of hopeless dweebism?"
"Do the words
'complete pandemonium' strike terror in your heart?"
"Get out the
time-fracture wickets, Hobbes! We're gonna play Calvinball!"
"I can't help but
wonder what kind of desperate straits would drive a man to invent this
thing."
"I say, when life
gives you a lemon, wing it right back and add some lemons of your own!"
Miss Wormwood, I protest this "C" grade!
That's saying I only did an "average" job! I got 75% of the answers
correct, and in today's society, doing something 75% right is outstanding! If
government and industry were 75% competent, we'd be ecstatic! I won't stand
for this artificial standard of performance! I demand an "A" for
this kind of work! I think it's really gross how she drinks Maalox straight
from the bottle.
"Since September it's
just gotten colder and colder. There's less daylight now, I've noticed too.
This can only mean one thing - the sun is going out. In a few more months the
Earth will be a dark and lifeless ball of ice. Dad says the sun isnt going out. He says its
colder because the earth's orbit is taking us farther from the sun. He says
winter will be here soon. JIsn't it sad how some
people's grip on their lives is so precarious that they'll embrace any
preposterous delusion rather than face an occasional bleak truth?" -
Calvin, about to become aware of the concept of winter...
“County library? Reference
desk, please. Hello? Yes, I need a word definition. Well, that's the problem.
I don't know how to spell it and I'm not allowed to say it. Could you just
rattle off all the swear words you know and I'll stop you when...Hello?”
“Wow, look at the grass
stains on my skin. I say, if you knees aren’t green by the end of the day,
you ought to seriously re-examine your life.”
I think life should be
more like tv. I think all of life's problems ought
to be solved in 30 minutes with simple homilies, don't you? I think weight
and oral hygiene ought to be our biggest concerns. I think we should all have
powerful, high-paying jobs, and everyone should drive fancy sports cars. All
our desires should be instantly gratified. Women should always wear tight clothes,
and men should carry powerful handguns. Life overall should be more
glamorous, thrill-packed, and filled with applause, don't you think?
Dear Santa. Why is your operation
located at the North Pole? I’m guessing cheap elf labour,
lower environmental standards, and tax breaks. Is this really the example you
want to set for us impressionable kids? …My plan is to put him on the
defensive before he considers how good I’ve been.
Oh look, yet another
Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought
to us by cola, fast food, and beer conglomerates. Who'd have ever guessed
that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix
so harmoniously? It's a beautiful world all right.
I'm bored.
Let's ask it which of us
is smarter.
“My cigarette smoke mixed with the smoke of my .38. If business was as good as my aim, I’d be on Easy Street. Instead, I’ve got an office on 49th Street and a nasty relationship with a string of collection agents.Yeah, that’s me, Tracer Bullet. I’ve got eight slugs in me. One’s lead, and the rest are bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I’m a private eye.Suddenly my door swung open, and in walked trouble. Brunette, as usual.”
“This morning I had a wonderful dream. By holding my arms out stiff and pushing down hard, I found I could suspend myself a few feet above ground. I flapped harder, and soon I was soaring effortlessly over the trees and telephone poles! I could fly! I folded my arms back and zoomed low over the neighborhood. Everyone was amazed, and they ran along under me as I shot by. Then I rocketed up so fast that my eyes watered from the wind. I laughed and laughed, making huge loops in the sky! … That’s when Mom woke me up and said I was going to miss the bus if I didn’t get my bottom out of bed; 20 minutes later, here I am, standing in the cold rain, waiting to go to school, and I just remembered I forgot my lunch. Tuesdays don’t start much worse than this.” - The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes
“Why should I have to WORK for everything?! It’s like saying I don’t deserve it!” - There’s Treasure Everywhere
“Some diabolical fiend
threatens to establish a totalitarian system of rule! Only Stupendous Man can
save the day!…Aha! Just as I suspected! My evil
arch-nemesis, Mom-Lady!”
Calvin: "Other kids' games are all such a bore! They gotta have rules and they gotta keep score! Calvinball is better by far! It's never the same! It's always bizarre! You don't need a team or a referee! You know that it's great cause it's named after me!"
Images and text are Copyright of Bill Watterson
