Hobbes
“We
*dont* like girls???"
“What fun is it being cool if you can't wear a
sombrero”
There's more to
this world than just people, you
know.
Van Gogh would've sold
more than one painting if he'd put tigers in them.
I don't know which is worse...that
everyone has his price, or that the price is always so low.
Tigers add panache and
savoir faire to any social
occasion.
Calvin's Mom
[on phone] What do you
mean Calvin left his clothes with
Susie??
Either he's
playing classical music at 78 RPM, or I'm still
dreaming.
Calvin's Dad
I'm going to the office
and get some sleep.
The world didn't turn color until
sometime in the 1930s, and it was pretty grainy color for a while, too.
“Maybe then I can finish my book.”
“Calvin, be quiet and eat the stupid
lima beans.”
I have all these great genes, But
they're recessive. That's the problem here.
It's going to be a grim day when the
world is run by a generation that doesn't mean anything but what it's
seen on TV.
Susie
“Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body
experience.”
Susie: Uh oh... here comes Calvin - the Incurable Weirdness
poster child.
Moe
It's for the 'let Calvin
live through recess fund.'
Dialogues
Calvin: “I’ve noticed that
when we play games with girls you get captured a lot.”
Hobbes: “Some
of us are just irresistible.”
Calvin: This piece of pie
is awfully darn small!
Calvin's Mom: Life could be a lot
worse, Calvin.
Calvin: Life could be a lot better
too! … But worse is more likely.
Calvin: Dad, where do
babies come from?
Calvin's Dad: Most people just go to
Sears, buy the assembly kit, and read the
instructions.
Calvin: I CAME FROM
SEARS?!?!
Dad: No, you were a Blue Light Special
at Kmart. Almost as good, and a lot cheaper.
Calvin:
AAUUGHHH!
Calvin's Mom: Dear, what are you
telling him now?!
Calvin: Do you think babies are born
sinful, that they come into the world as
sinners?
Hobbes: No, I think they're just quick
studies.
Calvin: Whenever you discuss certain
things with animals, you get insulted.
Calvin : You can't just
turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood.
Hobbes : What mood is that?
Calvin : Last-minute panic.
Calvin: I want the last piece of pie!
Don't divide it up! Give it to me!
Calvin's Mom: Don't be selfish,
Calvin!
Calvin: So the REAL lesson here is "Be
Dishonest?"
Calvin: I'm a genius, but
I'm a misunderstood genius.
Hobbes: What's
misunderstood about you?
Calvin: Nobody
thinks I'm a genius.
Calvin: Our top-secret
club, G.R.O.S.S.-- Get Rid Of Slimy girlS!
Susie: Slimy girls?!
Calvin: I know
that's redundant, but otherwise it doesn't spell
anything.
Hobbes : "What are you
doing?"
Calvin : "Being
cool."
Hobbes : "You look more like you're
bored."
Calvin : "The world bores
you when you're cool."
Hobbes : "What do you
think is the secret to happiness? Is it money, power or fame?"
Calvin : "I'd choose money. If you
have enough money, you can buy fame and power. That way you'll have it
all and be really happy. Happiness is being famous for your financial
ability to indulge in every kind of excess."
Hobbes : "I suppose thats *one* way to define it."
Calvin : "The part I think I'd like
best is crushing
people who get in my way."
Hobbes : "Do you think
there's a God?
Calvin : "Well somebody's
out to get me!"
Hobbes : "It says here
that by the age of 6, most children have seen a million muders on
television."
Calvin : "I find that
very disturbing...it means I've been watching all the wrong
channels."
Calvin : "Do you really
think Bogeymen exist?"
Hobbes : "I'm
not sure, but if they do, I think this is where they
live…"
Calvin's Dad: "The world isn't fair, Calvin."
Calvin: “I know Dad, but why isn't it
ever unfair in my favour?"
Calvin: "There's a new
girl in our class."
Hobbes: “Well, whats her
name?"
Calvin: “WHO KNOWS?"
Hobbes: “Is she nice?"
Calvin: “WHO CARES? Not me!"
Hobbes: “Do you LIKE her?"
Calvin “NO!"
Calvin's Dad: Honey, have you seen my
glasses?
Calvin's Mom: No, I
haven't.
[Calvin walks in wearing the
glasses.]
Calvin: Calvin, do
something you hate! Being miserable builds
character!
[Calvin's Mom cracks
up]
Calvin's Dad: Okay, I admit the voice was a little funny,
but that's still one darn sarcastic kid we're
raising.
Calvin's dad: Being a
parent is wanting to hug and strangle your kid at the same
time.
Hobbes: "This article says that many people find christmas
the most stressful time of year."
Calvin: “I
believe it. This season sure fills *me* with stress."
Hobbes: “Really? How come?"
Calvin: “ I *hate* being
good..."
Calvin: "Any monsters
under my bed tonight?"
Monsters:
“Nope." "No." "Uh-Uh."
Calvin: “Well
there *better* not be, I'd hate to have to torch one with my
flamethrower!"
Hobbes: “You have a
flamethrower?"
Calvin: “They lie. I
lie." - Calvin, The Monsters Under His Bed &
Hobbes
Calvin: "Dad, I'd like to have a little talk."
Calvin's Dad: “Um...ok."
Calvin: “As the wage earner here, its
your responsibility to show some consumer confidence and start buying
things that will get the economy going and create profits and
employment. Here's a list of some big-ticket items I'd like for
Christmas. I hope I can trust you to do whats right for our country."
Calvin's Dad: “I've got to stop
leaving the Wall Street Journal around."
Calvin (writing, after
being asked to explain Newton's First Law of Motion "in his own
words"): Yakka foob mog. Grug pubbawup zink wattoomgazork. Chumble
spuzz. (speaking) I love loopholes.
Calvin: "Do you like
being a girl?"
Susie: “Its gotta be
better than the alternative."
Calvin: “Whats
it like? Is it like being a bug?"
Susie: “Like a
WHAT?"
Calvin: “I imagine bugs and girls have
a dim perception that nature played a crual trick on them, but they
lack the intelligence to really comprehend the magnitude of
it."
Calvin: "Hello Susie, this is Calvin. I lost our homework
assignment. Can you tell me what we were supposed to read for
tomorrow?"
Susie: “Are you sure
you're not calling for some other reason?"
Calvin: “Why else would I call
you?"
Susie: "Maybe you missed the melodious
sound of my voice?"
Calvin: “WHAT? Are you
crazy? All I want is the STUPID assignment!"
Susie: “First say you missed the melodious sound of my
voice."
Calvin: “THIS IS
BLACKMAIL!"
Calvin: "Here
comes that new girl. HEY SUSIE DERKINS, IS THAT YOUR FACE OR IS A
POSSUM STUCK IN YOUR COLLAR? I HOPE YOU SUFFER A DEBILITATING BRAIN
ANEURISM, YOU FREAK!"
Hobbes: “She *cute*, isnt
she?" "GO AWAY!"
Calvin: I sure am great! I'm one of
the greatest people who ever lived! How lucky people are to know
someone as great as me! I'm great in so many great ways! In fact, I'm so great
that my greatness is...
Susie: You're not great! You're the
most conceited blowhard I've ever met!
Calvin: When you're great, people
often mistake candor for bragging.
Calvin: "Here's a movie
we should watch."
Hobbes: “Who's in it?"
Calvin: “It says 'Japanese Cast'...two
big rubbery monsters slug it out over major metropolitan centres in a
battle for world supremacy...doesn't that sound great?"
Hobbes: “And people say that foreign
film is inaccessible."
Calvin: "I
wonder where we go when we die?"
Hobbes:
“...Pittsburgh?"
Calvin: “You mean if
we're good or if we're bad?"
Calvin: "I'm never gonna
get married. Are you?"
Hobbes: “Hmm...I
suppose if the right person came along, I might. Someone with green
eyes and a nice laugh, who I could call 'Pooty Pie'."
Calvin: “POOTY PIE?"
Hobbes: “Or bitsy pookums."
Hobbes: “Bitsy pookums I'd say. Yes
snoogy woogy, she'd reply..."
Calvin: "I think
that would affect my stomach a lot more than my
heart."
Calvin: "MOM, CAN I SET FIRE TO MY BED MATTRESS?"
Calvin's Mom: “No,
Calvin."
Calvin: “CAN I RIDE MY
TRICYCLE ON THE ROOF?"
Calvin's Mom: “No, Calvin."
Calvin: “Then
can I have a cookie?"
Calvin“No, Calvin."
Calvin: “She's on to
me."
Calvin: "Mom's not feeling well. So I'm making her a get
well card."
Hobbes: “That's
thoughtful of you."
Calvin: “See, on the
front it says, 'Get Well Soon' ... and on the inside it says,'Because
me bed isn't made, my clothes need to be put away and I'm hungry. Love
Calvin.' Want to sign it?"
Hobbes: “Sure,
I'm hungry too"
Calvin: Do you have any
money?
Hobbes: No.
Calvin: How can we get some? Who do
you know that we could sue?
Hobbes: “We *dont* like
girls???"
Calvin: "Of course not dummy, we're a murderous bunch of
pirates, remember?"
Hobbes: “Who do we smooch
then?"
Calvin: "This meeting of the Get Rid Of Slimy Girls club
will now come to order. First Tiger Hobbes will read the minutes of our
last meeting."
Hobbes: "Thank
you. (9:30) Meeting called to order. Dictator For Life Calvin proposed
resolulion condemning the existence of girls. (9:35) First Tiger Hobbes
abstains from vote. Motion fails. (9:36) Patriotism of First Tiger
called into question. (9:37) Philosophical discussion. (10:15) Bandages
administered. Dictator For Life rebuked for biting."
Calvin: “(10:16) Forgot
what debate was about. Medals of bravery awarded to all
parties."
Calvin: "Too bad the
world will be ending soon."
Hobbes: “Beg
your pardon?"
Calvin: “Halley's Comet.
Comets are harbingers of doom."
Hobbes: “No they
arent, thats just superstition."
Calvin: “Really?
Guess I'd better write that book report."
Miss Wormwood: "What
state do you live in?"
Calvin:
“Denial." - Miss Wormwood & Calvin
Calvin: “I’m not
going to so my maths homework. Look at these unsolved problems. Here’s
a number in mortal combat with another. One of them is going to get
subtracted. But why? What will be left of him? If I answered these, it
would kill the suspense. It would resolve the conflict and turn
intriguing possibilities into boring old facts.”
Hobbes: “I never really thought about
the literary possibilities of maths.”
Calvin: “I
prefer to savour the mystery.”
Calvin: “Bad news Dad.
Your polls are way down.”
Calvin's Dad:
“My polls?”
Calvin: “You rate
especialy low among tigers and six year old white
males.”
Calvin: “I just
read this great science-fiction story. It’s about how machines take
control of humans and turn them into zombie slaves.”
Hobbes: “So instead of us controlling
machines, they control us? Pretty scary idea.”
Calvin: “I”ll say…*HEY* What time is it? My TV show is
on.”
Calvin: “Mom will you
drive me into town?”
Calvin's Mom:
“Why should I drive you, Calvin? It’s a perfect day outside! What do
you think people have feet for?”
Calvin: “To work
the gas pedal.” - Calvin and Hobbes
Calvin: Hi Mom! I’m
making my own newspaper to report the events of our household.
Calvin's
Mom: That’s
nice.
Calvin: Now I’m
looking for a page one lead story. Can I interview you?
Calvin's
Mom:
Sure
Calvin: OK, what
are you cutting up there for dinner?
Calvin's
Mom:
Fish
Calvin: KNIFE
WELDING MOTHER HACKS ICHTHYOID! GRIM MELEE IS EVENING RITUAL! SUBURBAN
FAMILY DEVOURS VICTIM!
Calvin's
Mom:
Out of the kitchen! Out! Out!
Hobbes: A new
decade is coming up.
Calvin: Yeah, big
deal! Hmph. Where are the flying cars? Where are the moon colonies?
Where are the personal robots and the zero gravityare the rocket packs?
Where are the disintegration rays? Where are the floating cities?
JHobbes: Frankly, I’m not sure people have the
brains to manage the technology they’ve got. boot, uh?
You call this a new decade?! You call this the future?? HA! Where
Calvin: I mean,
look at this! We still have weather?! Give me a
break!
Calvin: Oh no! I
just remembered that today is “Show and Tell” day! I need something to show and tell about.
Mum:
Why can’t you think of these things more than two minutes before the
bus comes?
Calvin: What can I
take? I’ve gotta take something. I’ve.. ah…
ACHOOO
Calvin: Never mind,
Mom! Do we have any plastic bags?
Mum:
I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know. I
don’t…
Susie:
Why didn’t you sign up to play baseball like the rest of the boys?
Don’t you like sports?
Calvin: I hate all
the rules and organization and teams and ranks in sports. Somebody’s
always yelling at you, telling you where to be, what to do, and when to
do it. I figure when I want that, I’ll join the army and at least get
paid.
Calvin: I don’t
understand it, Hobbes. The kids teased me when I wouldn’t play
baseball. Then they yelled at me when I did play. Then the teacher
called me a “quitter” when I stopped playing. Unless you’re a star you
can’t please anyone.
Hobbes: In that
case, why not just please yourself?
Calvin: Because Mom
won’t let me move to Madagascar.
Calvin: Psst…
Susie! What’s 12 + 7?
Susie: A
billion.
Calvin: Thanks!
Wait a minute. That can’t be right… That’s what she said 3 + 4
was.
Calvin: "Do you believe in the devil? You know, a supreme
evil being dedicated to the temptation, corruption, and destruction of
man?"
Hobbes: "I'm not sure that man needs
the help."
Susie: You’d get a good
grade without doing any work.
Calvin:
So?
Susie: It’s wrong to get rewards you
haven’t earned.
Calvin: I’ve never heard
of anyone who couldn’t live with that.
Calvin: “When a kid grows
up, he has to be something. He can’t just stay the way he is. But a
tiger grows up and stays a tiger why is that?”
Hobbes: “No room for improvement.”
Calvin: “Of all the luck, my parents had to be humans.”
Hobbes: “Don’t take it too hard.
Humans provide some very important protein.”
Calvin: Where do we
keep all our chainsaws, Mom?
Calvin's
Mom:
We don’t have any chainsaws, Calvin.
Calvin: We don’t?
Not any?
Calvin's
Mom:
Nope.
Calvin: How am I
ever going to learn how to juggle?
Hobbes: Jump! Jump! Jump! I
win!
Calvin: You win? Aaugghh! You won last time! I hate it when
you win! Aarrggh! Mff! Gnnk! I hate this game! I hate the whole world!
Aghhh! What a stupid game! You must have cheated! You must have used
some sneaky, underhanded mindmeld to make me lose! I hate you! I didn't
want to play this idiotic game in the first place! I knew you'd cheat!
I knew you'd win! Oh! Oh! Aarg!
[Calvin runs in circles around Hobbes
screaming "Aaaaaaaaaaaa", then falls over.]
Hobbes: Look, it's just a
game.
Calvin: I know! You should see me when I lose in real
life!
Calvin: "Other kids' games are all such a bore!
Calvin: They gotta have rules and they
gotta keep score!
Calvin: Calvinball is
better by far!
Calvin: It's never the
same! It's always bizarre!
Calvin: You
don't need a team or a referee!
Calvin: You know
that it's great cause it's named after me!"
Calvin: "I'm a simple
man, Hobbes."
Hobbes: "You?? Yesterday
you wanted a nuclear powered car that could turn into a jet with
laser-guided heat-seeking missiles!"
Calvin: "I'm a
simple man with complex tastes."
Calvin: "My powerful
brain has come up with a topic for my paper"
Hobbes: "Great"
Calvin: "I'll
write about the debate over Tyrannosaurs. Were they fearsome predators
or disgusting scavengers?"
Hobbes: "Which
side will you defend?"
Calvin: "Oh, I
believe they were fearsome predators, definitely."
Hobbes: "How come?"
Calvin: "They're *so* much cooler that
way"
Calvin: Some people complain all the
time! They complain about the least little thing! If something bugs
them, they never let go of it! They just go on and on long after anyone
else is interested! It's just complain, complain, complain! People who
gripe all the time really drive me nuts! You'd think they'd change the
subject after a while, but they never do! They just keep griping until
you start to wonder, 'What's wrong with this idiot?' But they go on
complaining and repeating what they've already
said!
Hobbes: Maybe they're not very self
aware.
Calvin: Boy, that's another thing that gets on my nerves!
Calvin: "See Any UFOs?"
Hobbes: "Not yet."
Calvin: "Well, keep your eyes open,
they're bound to land here sometime."
Hobbes: "What
will we do when they come?"
Calvin: "See if
we can sell mom and dad into slavery for a star
cruiser"
Calvin: They say the world is a
stage. But obviously the play is unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his
lines.
Hobbes: Maybe that's why it's hard to
tell if we're living in a tragedy or a farce.
Calvin: We need more special effects
and dance numbers.
Calvin: These real-life video
programs are great! Here are ordinary people having actual, horrible
experiences, which are broadcast nationwide for the public's viewing
amusement! It's intrusion, exploitation, and
voyeurism all in one! You never know where a video camera will be!
Everything's fair game!
Hobbes: Who'd have guessed Big
Brother would go commercial?
Calvin: I love to snicker at other
people's tragedy.
Calvin: Today at school, I tried to
decide whether to cheat on my test or not. I wondered, is it better to do the
right thing and fail...or is it better to do the wrong thing and succeed? On
the one hand, undeserved success gives no satisfaction...but on the other
hand, well-deserved failure gives no satisfaction either. Of course, most
everybody cheats some time or other. People always bend the rules if they
think they can get away with it. Then again, that doesn't justify my
cheating. Then I thought, look, cheating on one little test isn't such a big
deal. It doesn't hurt anyone. But then I wondered if I was just rationalizing
my unwillingness to accept the consequence of not studying. Still, in the
real world, people care about success, not principles. Then again, maybe
that's why the world is such a mess. What a dilemma!
Hobbes: So what did you decide?
Calvin: Nothing. I ran out of time
and I had to turn in a blank paper.
Hobbes: Anymore, simply acknowledging
the issue is a moral victory.
Calvin: Well, it just seemed wrong to
cheat on an ethics test.
