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So long Pop! I'm off to check my tiger trap! I rigged a tuna fish sandwich yesterday, so I'm sure to have a tiger by now! They like tuna fish, huh? Tigers will do anything for a tuna fish sandwich. We're kind of stupid that way. Munch Munch

The first strip of Calvin and Hobbes. 


Calvin's test paper: 2+7 = ____   Calvin Answers: I cannot answer this question as it is against my religious principles... Calvin says to himself: Its worth a shot

Wish I tried THIS!  


I think it's time we had a new Dad around here. When does your term of office expire? Sorry Calvin, I was appointed Dad for life. For life?! What about a recall vote? What about impeachment? There are no provisions for either. Did you write this constitution yourself or what? Well, your mom helped some too.

Calvin seems to have great political interests :)  


I'm glad to see you're doing your homework. How is your math class going now? Um ... I'm doing great. How great? Real great. Have you been passing all your quizzes? I didn't say phenomenal.

Parents always expect too much! Don't they?? 


There's a new girl in our class. Well! What's her name? Who knows? Is she nice? Who cares? Not me! Do you like her?? No!

Yes, we hate girls...


Psst ... Susie! What's 12 + 7? A billion. Thanks! Wait a minute. That can't be right ... that's what she said 3+4 was.

And this is why we hate them :)


Ha ha! Your clever little strategy has tragically backfired! Look at this jump! Watch and weep, fuzz face! That's your move, right? I get to go now, right? It's too late for you to change your mind, right? Not so fast ... my hand's still on it. Jump, jump, jump! I win! You win?!? Aaugghh! You won last time! I hate it when you win! Aarrggh! Mff! Gnnk! I hate this game! I hate the whole world!! Aghhh! What a stupid game! You must have cheated! You must have used some sneaky, underhanded mind-meld to make me lose! I hate you! I didn't want to play this idiotic game in the first place! I know you'd cheat! I knew you'd win! Oh! Ooh! Aarg! Hack pant pant. Look, it's just a game. I know. You should see me when I loose in real life!

 Some people can't take things sportively, am not one of them, REALLY! I SWEAR!!

 

Ok, kid, sit up straight on the stool and look right at me. That's it. Are you ready to take my picture? Should I take off my shirt now? Kid what are ... ? don't take off your shirt!! See? I painted a face on my stomach. Kid, put your shirt back on. But look! When I breath out the face changes! See? Ok, take one quick!

Astro Boy - Calvin's class photo 


Go ahead down. You'll miss all those trees. You can do it. You'll stop before you go over that ledge at the bottom. You won't go into that pond. Besides, the ice is probably real thick anyway. Go ahead down. My brain is trying to kill me.


 

A brilliant bolt of deadly frap ray blazes by the intrepid Spaceman Spiff! Our hero has very high insurance premiums. The courageous Spaceman Spiff is hit! He plummets toward planet Zog! Breaking through the cloud layer, he careens over an alien city! There's no place to land! Spiff wrestles the uncooperative controls! More freem drive to the thuster busters! Too much stress! The fuel explodes in flame! The situation is grim! Ten seconds to impact! Nine ... eight ... Well Calvin?? Seven! Very good Calvin. Ten minus three equals seven. I didn't think you were paying attention. That question was worth three points. Our hero miraculously makes a three-point landing. Spiff saves the day again!

One can always count on Spaceman Spiff! 


Look, it says you have to be eighteen to buy cigarettes. Eighteen?!? By then I'll know better! Mom, can I have a cigarette? Sure Calvin. I think your grandfater left some here. Just smoke outside ok? Wow! Your mom let you have a cigarette? For a mom, sometimes she's pretty cool. Eeeeeep. Blaaugh! Gag. Hack. Cough. You'd think this would be an easy habit to break. Wheeze! Well now ... did we learn a little lesson today? Gasp. Yes. Trusting parents can be hazardous to your health.
For a mom, she is pretty cool.

Dad, how come you live in this house with mom ... instead of an apartment with several scantily clad female roommates? Boy! Ask a simple question, and get all your television privileges revoked.

Too much TV! or.. too much on TV?  


Uh, Hobbes? ... I forgot to get you a present. I didn't even make you a card ... I'm sorry Hobbes. I didn't mean to forget. It's okay, little buddy. I didn't get you anything either. But here's a tiger hug for being my best friend. Not so hard, you big sissy. You squeeze my tears out. Merry Christmas.
Best friends...


My cigarette smoke mixed with the smoke of my .38. If business was as good as my aim, I'd be on easy street. Instead, I've got an office on 49th street and a nasty relationship with a string of collection agents. Yeah, that's me. Tracer bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead, and the rest are bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm a private eye. Suddenly my door swung open, and in walked trouble. Brunette, as usual. Take your hate off at the dinner table, Calvin. It's not polite. She was a pushy dame. But she had a case.
Did I introduce Tracer Bullet to you?


Watcha doin'? I'm writing my autobiography. But you're just six years old. I've only got one sheet of paper.

This makes sense :)


Hobbes, want to see my transmogrifier? I didn't know you had a transmogrifier. I just got it. You step into this chamber, set the appropriate dials, and it turns you into whatever you'd like to be. It's amazing what they do with corrugated cardboard these days. Isn't it?

One of Calvin's greatest inventions, the transmogrifier. 


So you're a tiger now? Yep, let me out. Words fail me. I'm disappointed too, but keep in mind transmogrification is a new technology.

See! The transmogrifier works! 


Want to go time traveling with me? See, I built a time machine. This looks like your transmogrifier. To the inattentive and brainless layman, yes, but you crawl under the transmogrifier, whereas with the time machine, you climb in the top. Ahh.

Catch 22! 


Aaugh back to the time machine! Run! We must've gone back in time instead of forward! What tipped you off? The dinosaur?! Don't get smart, fuzzbrain. Just get in and face the other direction so we can go into the future this time! You mean we went into the past because we were facing the wrong way!! You think I've got some triple-a map?! Maybe you'd like to steer this time!

 Time machine is just like a car! You go the wrong way if you face the wrong direction :)


Hey Dad, what are clouds made of? Hmm ... I used to know that. I think they're mostly water. So how come they float? Well, it's sort of evaporated water, maybe there are some other gases, too. I'm not sure. So why are they white when the rest of the sky is blue? Heck, beats me. I guess we ought to look this stuff up. I take it there's no qualifying exam to be a Dad.


 

How come you're still home? Why aren't you at work? I took the day off. Say, Dad, can I have a look at the classified section? As soon as I'm through with it. Gosh Dad, I'd sure like to borrow that section right this minute. Why don't you read the editorials?


 

What's that smell? Either mom's cooking dinner, or somebody got sick in the furnace duct. Boy, does it stink in here! What are you cooking for dinner?! Whatever it is I'm not eating it. I'm stewing some monkey heads. Monkey heads? They'll be soggy enough to eat in about twenty minutes. Really?? We're having monkey heads! We are not ... are those really monkey heads? I've never had monkey heads before! I wonder what they're like. Wow! Monkey heads! Mm ... kinda squishy. Oow look, is that a nose? What's this? Brains? I didn't think they'd be so rubbery ... what? I thought these were stuffed peppers. Honey. What the heck is this?? Whatever it is I'm not eating it!


 

Very grim, Calvin. You're still having oatmeal. Gurgle. Quit playing with your oatmeal and eat it, Calvin. Gagpth! I'm free! Bugh! Yaah! Death to oatmeal! You'll never escape, vile glop! Die! Die! Calvin! Quit! ... oh no ... It's your fault we didn't have a sweet little girl! Your stupid chromosome!! Not mine!! ... I just live here.


 

I can't believe how dull my life is. It's so boring here. Nothing ever changes around here. Nothing ever happens. It seems as if (hang on) everybody but me gets to have an exciting life. Actually, I'd like less excitement in my life. Why? Are you doing fun things when I'm not around?? Huh? Are you?!

 


I don't wanna take a bath! I hate taking baths! Aaaahhhh! No no no! They can make me do it, but they can't make me do it with dignity.


 

Oh, Mary, you look ravishing in that skimpy negligee! Mmm ... darling, don't you wish we were married? But we are! ... or did you mean to each other? I've got to have you! Let's murder our spouses! Murder?! You sick animal! I love it when you talk that way! Come here! Sometimes I think I learn more when I stay home from school.


 

Calvin, your mother and I have decided to give you an allowance. It's important that one learns the value of money. Money! Ha ha ha! I'm rich! I'm rich! I can buy off anyone! The world is mine! Power! Friends! Prestige! I blew it again dear!


 

What do you think is the secret to happiness? Is it money, power or fame? I'd choose money. If you have enough money, you can buy power and fame, that way you'd have it all and be really happy! Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess. I suppose that's one way to define it. The part I think I'd like best is crushing people who get in my way.


 

No Earthling has ever before seen the cratered, scarred surface of the distant planet Zog! ... although it's not unlike some of those zit cream commercials ... we join the fearless Spaceman Spiff interplanetary explorer extraordinaire, out at the farthest reaches of the galaxy ... with nerves of steel, our hero sets forth on his dangerous mission! He fires his hyper-jets and ... blasts into the fifth dimension! Into a world beyond human comprehension! Into a world where time has no meaning! Man, this class lasts forever! So we carry the three into the tens column ...

Indeed time has no meaning in school 


Dad, look! The sun's setting and it's only 3 o'clock! It's not 3 o'clock, your watch stopped. Time doesn't stop if your watch stops? Nope. Phooey. For a moment there, I thought I'd get rich patenting this thing. I'd have bought one.


 

What a perfect day! Isn't it great to be on summer vacation? To be able to enjoy all this with no school and no responsibilities? ... ahhhhhhh ... I can't believe there's nothing on TV but repeats.

Who doesn't hate TV repeats in summer?


C'mon Calvin. We're going to the store. Can Hobbes come? No, just leave him here. But I want him to come with us!! If you can't win by reason, go for volume.


 

Hey Dad, remember our car? Why sure. Wait a minute. What do you mean,


 

I'm going to learn how to ride this bicycle even if it kills me. Ok, you can let go ... aaugh! Did it kill you? Not yet. It's decided to maim me first.


 

They say once you learn how to ride a bicycle, you never forget. That doesn't surprise me. Waarrgh! It works on the same principle as electroshock therapy.


 

Hello, Dad! It is now three in the morning. Do you know where I am?


 

Dad, how do people make babies? Most people just go to Sears, buy the kit, and follow the assembly instructions. I came from Sears?? No, you were a blue light special at Kmart, almost as good, and a lot cheaper. Aauughhh! Dear, what are you telling Calvin now?!


 

We should make Dad a Father's day card. Okay, I'll draw a picture of him on it. Hmm...make his mouth bigger. He usually look angrier than that. Good morning, Dad! Happy Father's day! Mmf. In appreciation of your service as dad. Today I am living according to the principles of your fatherly wisdom. Calvin, what time is ... five in the morning?! Yes,


 

I cleaned my room, Mom. And I even did it without you telling me to. Well, that was very thoughtful. Of course, this isn't going to be a habit or anything.


 

Well, you certainly were a terror in the doctor's office. I fended him off with his own tongue depressor. That's why I didn't get a shot. You didn't need a shot. Your behavior was inexcusable. All that counts is that he couldn't get near enough to stick me. He thinks I'm a little pink pin cushion in underpants. Someday I hope you have a kid that puts you through what I've gone through. Yeah, Grandma says that's what she used to tell you.

 

Images and text are Copyright of Bill Watterson









 

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