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Look, it says you have to be eighteen to buy cigarettes. Eighteen?!? By then I'll know better! Mom, can I have a cigarette? Sure Calvin. I think your grandfater left some here. Just smoke outside ok? Wow! Your mom let you have a cigarette? For a mom, sometimes she's pretty cool. Eeeeeep. Blaaugh! Gag. Hack. Cough. You'd think this would be an easy habit to break. Wheeze! Well now ... did we learn a little lesson today? Gasp. Yes. Trusting parents can be hazardous to your health.
For a mom, she is pretty cool.

My cigarette smoke mixed with the smoke of my .38. If business was as good as my aim, I'd be on easy street. Instead, I've got an office on 49th street and a nasty relationship with a string of collection agents. Yeah, that's me. Tracer bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead, and the rest are bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm a private eye. Suddenly my door swung open, and in walked trouble. Brunette, as usual. Take your hate off at the dinner table, Calvin. It's not polite. She was a pushy dame. But she had a case.
Did I introduce Tracer Bullet to you?

what's that smell either mom's cooking dinner or somebody got sick in the furnace duct boy does it stink in here what are you cooking for dinner whatever it is i'm not eating it i'm stewing some monkey heads they'll be soggy enough to eat in about twenty 20 minutes really we're having we are not are those i've never had before i wonder what they're like wow mm kinda squishy ohh look is that a nose what's this brains i didn't think they'd be so rubbery what i thought these were stuffed peppers honey what the heck is this whatever it is i'm not eating it


 

Very grim, Calvin. You're still having oatmeal. Gurgle. Quit playing with your oatmeal and eat it, Calvin. Gagpth! I'm free! Bugh! Yaah! Death to oatmeal! You'll never escape, vile glop! Die! Die! Calvin! Quit! ... oh no ... It's your fault we didn't have a sweet little girl! Your stupid chromosome!! Not mine!! ... I just live here.


 

I don't wanna take a bath! I hate taking baths! Aaaahhhh! No no no! They can make me do it, but they can't make me do it with dignity.


 

C'mon Calvin. We're going to the store. Can Hobbes come? No, just leave him here. But I want him to come with us!! If you can't win by reason, go for volume.


 

Well, you certainly were a terror in the doctor's office. I fended him off with his own tongue depressor. That's why I didn't get a shot. You didn't need a shot. Your behavior was inexcusable. All that counts is that he couldn't get near enough to stick me. He thinks I'm a little pink pin cushion in underpants. Someday I hope you have a kid that puts you through what I've gone through. Yeah, Grandma says that's what she used to tell you.

 

I cleaned my room, Mom. And I even did it without you telling me to. Well, that was very thoughtful. Of course, this isn't going to be a habit or anything.


 

Bath time, Calvin! Come on, let's just get it over with this time all right? Where are you? Let's go! She'll never look here.


 

Flush! Whee! Ha ha ha! I'm done with my bath. Mm ... that was quick.


 

THE CALL GOES OUT! WE'RE ON THE MOVE! UP THROUGH THE WINDING MAZE! FASTER! FASTER! CALVIN SCRAMBLES UP THE GRAINY TUNNEL! OUT HE POPS INTO THE BLINDING SUN! CALVIN THE ANT RUSHES DOWN THE HILL TO THE BRICK WALK! OTHER ANTS RUSH AROUND HIM IN THEIR MAD HURRY! CALVIN TRIES TO KEEP UP! AT LAST HE REACHES THE MONSTROUS DEAD CATERPILLAR! WITHOUT PAUSING HE HOIST IT UP! THE QUEEN DEMANDS HIS TIRELESS TOIL! CALVIN IS BACK OFF TO THE ANTHILL AS FAST AS HE CAN GO! WORK, WORK, WORK! THAT'S ALL I'M GOOD FOR AROUND HERE! I HARDLY THINK PICKING UP YOUR ROOM ONCE IN A WHILE QUALIFIES YOU AS A SLAVE.


I'M NOT GOING TO BED! I DON'T HAVE TO DO WHAT YOU SAY! I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT! ..UH... HEH HEH ENJOY THIS WHILE YOU CAN! I'LL BE A HULKING, SURLY TEEN-AGER BEFORE YOU KNOW IT!!


 

Blecchh! How long are those two gonna keep kissing? This program only lasts for an hour! Geez, look at them slobbering over each other's faces! Why would anybody do that? Do they like it? Bed time. There's a connection here, I just know it.


 

I've got to go in. Another five minutes out here, and I'll be frozen solid. Ooh, I hope that was no one I knew. You looked pretty cold coming up the hill, so I fixed you some hot chocolate and crackers with peanut butter. Go wrap up in a blanket and take these in front of the fire. Here's Hobbes and a comic book. Getting toasty? Uh huh. Thanks. She even put marshmallows in the chocolate. Nobody knows how to pamper like a mom. So are you going to eat all those peanut butter crackers yourself, or what?


 

Hi, Mom. Bum ba da bum bum. What's cooking. Ha ha ha ha. What's with you? I thought my life would be seem more interesting with a musical score and laugh track.


 

Your dad and I are going out to see a movie tonight. Can I come too? No, you're staying home. What, I got the plague?! Why can't I come? Because other people like watch movies without hearing advice shouted to the characters on the screen. So who does that? Are you saying I do that?


 

When I grow up, I want to be a radical terrorist. Mm hmm ... I'm going to inhale this can of pesticide. Mm hmm ... I'm going to watch TV all night. That's what you think buster! You can never tell if they're listening or not.


 

Images and text are Copyright of Bill Watterson




 

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