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Psst ... Susie! What's 12 + 7? A billion. Thanks! Wait a minute. That can't be right ... that's what she said 3+4 was.



Hello Susie. This is Calvin. I lost our homework assignment, can you tell me what we were supposed to read for tomorrow? Are you sure you're not calling for some other reason? Why else would I call you? Maybe you missed the melodious sound of my voice. What are you, crazy?? All I want is the stupid assignment. First say you missed the melodious sound of my voice. This is blackmail!


 

Sniff. That stupid Calvin. What does he call me names for no reason? It's just mean. I wish I had a hundred friends. Then I wouldn't care. I'd say,


 

I'm hungry, when's lunch? Right now. Hi, Susie! Oh look, you've got your stuffed tiger! Can I squeeze him? What are you crazy? Hobbes is a ferocious man-eating jungle beast! Ferocious? He looks fuzzy and cuddly to me! Ha! Beneath that soft exterior lie terrible mandibles of bone crushing death! He'll grind you into hamburger! Each mighty paw hides razor-sharp claws to rip the living hide off any human that wanders too close! He's a monster! No, he's not. He's a big cutie. Oh no! I can't look!! ... so what happened to the mandibles of death. You sissy furball?!? I was beguiled by her feminine charms. Yow. Go soak your head.


 

Hey Calvin! Are we near a slaughterhouse, or did you forget your deodorant?! Drop dead Susie! You're so ugly, I hear your mom puts a bag over your head before she kisses you goodnight!! It's shameless the way we flirt. What's it like to fall in love? Well ... say the object of your affection walks by ... yeah? First your heart falls into your stomach and splashes your innards. All the moisture makes you sweat profusely. This condensation shorts the circuits to your brain, and you get all woozy. When your brain burns out altogether, your mouth disengages and you bable like a cretin until she leaves. That's love?!? Medically speaking. Heck, that happened to me once, but I figured it was cooties!!


Calvin, you baloney brain! You sent me a hate-mail valentine and a crummy bunch of dead flowers! So here's a valentine for you, you insensitive clod!! A valentine and flowers! He likes me! She noticed! She likes me!


 

WAP IS THIS YOURS? NO. WHAT IS IT? FOR A GIRL, SHE'S REMARKABLY PERCEPTIVE.


 

Two parts slush, one part solid ice, one part hard-packed snow a dash of assorted debris. Sculpt into a sphere, and serve at high velocity without warning. Oh, boy, here comes Susie! Hey, Susie! Whap! Ha ha! I gotcha, you dumb girl!! Aughh! My eyeball! Where's my eyeball! What are you talking about? I hit you in the back. It knocked my eyeball out! Find it and pack it in snow so they can save it. Ooh. Ooh. Gosh, did you really lose your eyeball? I didn't know they came out! Wow. I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to knock it out. Can I see the socket? Boy, where do you suppose it rolled. Somewhere over there, poop head!! Boot! What are you doing? My eyeball fell out. Help me look for it.


 

Do you have your line memorized for the nutrition play, Calvin? I'm still learning it, being an onion is a difficult role you know. What are you? I'm


 

Aaghh, I can't believe we were assigned to do a report together. All I can say is you'd better do a great job! I don't want to flunk just because I was assigned a doofus for a partner. A doofus?? Who takes her sandwiches apart and eats each ingredient separately? What's wrong with that? It certifies you as a grade a nimrod. It does not!


 

Psst ... Susie! What's the answer to question four? Imadoofus. Thanks! The tooth fairy's gonna make you rich tonight Susie.


 

Psst... Susie! Can I copy your paper? No. (periscope) Calvin!


 

HI SUSIE! GUESS WHAT I BROUGHT FOR LUNCH. NO! GO SIT BY SOMEONE ELSE, OK? YOU ALWAYS SAY YOUR LUNCH IS SOMETHING REVOLTING, AND I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! GEE WHIZ, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? MY LUNCH IS PEANUT BUTTER. WHAT'S SO DISGUSTING ABOUT THAT?! HMPH. I'M GLAD THAT ONE DAY OUT OF THE YEAR YOU CAN BE CIVIL. IT'S MY DESSERT THAT'S GROSS! LOOK, A THERMOS FULL OF PHLEGM!


 

Hi, Susie. What do you have for lunch today? Don't even talk to me. I don't want to hear how disgusting you think my lunch is. My lunch is fine. Relax, I wasn't going to say a word about your lunch. Pass me some salt, will you please? Here. Thanks, slugs are so chewy before you shrivel them up.


 

Ahh! Lunch, my favorite meal! And today's lunch is extra special! Ever since the weather got warm I've been swatting flies and saving them in a jar. Finally I got enough bugs to mash them into a gooey paste with a spoon. I'll call it bug butter. Care for a taste? Tell me, Calvin. Do you have any friends at all?


 

Processed lunch meat is pretty scary. What are those little specks anyway? Lizard parts? Who knows? And this


 

Let's see what you drew for art class, Susie. Well, a tidy little domestic scene. A house in a yard with flowers. How typically female. Girls think small and are preoccupied with pretty details. But boys think big! Boys think about action and accomplishment! No wonder it's men who change the world! Yeah? What did you draw? A squadron of B-1's nuking New York.


 

Hi, Calvin. I brought Mr. Bun over so we can play house, you and I can be the parents, and Hobbes and Mr. Bun can be our children. Oh, right. Hobbes and I are gonna put our big plans on hold so we can play house with a stuffed rabbit? Forget it! I don't see why you'll play with your dumb ol' tiger and not with Mr. Bun and me! You're just mean, that's all! Go play in a microwave, Susie. We're busy. Girls are like slugs - they probably serve some purpose, but it's hard to imagine what. Mr. Bun seems comatose. Did you notice?


 

With ultra-sonic hearing, Stupendous Man notices a cry of distress from a distant alleyway! He leaps to the edge of the building and prepares to swoop to the rescue! Stupendous Man had not quite realized just how high up he was, however. At this altitude the winds were a little tricky, and ... Are you going, or do you need a push? Don't rush me, all right?!

 

Images and text are Copyright of Bill Watterson




 

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